For years, I've wanted to write a book. Something specific which will help the human race to avoid some of the pitfalls I've had the pleasure of diving headfirst into throughout my time on Earth... and lately, I've been feeling more and more of a push to do so, some from within, and some from the people most important to me. One of the things which has been stopping me is the fear that my writing has no flavor unless I'm depressed while I write. Well, after slogging through a fairly ugly week, and having no interest in busting out my 12-step notebook to fill out a 4th step on all the people who are in my doghouse right now (nor much more interest in slogging through all the feelings I've been avoiding this week because I'm running low on energy to handle that kind of stuff right now), I've decided to start journaling about my obvious lack of social skills which tend to lead to the issues which I'm running from, which add to my lack of social skills, which give me more to run from.
Here's a short background for the three people who haven't stopped reading yet. I'm a 28-year-old male, transplanted from the Midwest to frighteningly plastic California. I did time in the military, and blame my hearing loss and lack of short-term memory (or attention span) on the Anthrax shot. While in the military I met my soulmate, a maddeningly frustrating woman who brought me to the feet of Christ and held my head under water there until I came up willing to see the ugly truth about myself. I owe God and her my life, in that order, but like most humans, regularly forget my debts and start trying to take my life back into my own slippery hands, at which time I promptly fumble and the opponent takes possession until I call a time-out and sub myself back out again for the big G-back.
Often, I make poor decisions which impact my family and friends. I get angry far too quickly, I apologize too slowly, and I recognize myself as falling off the wagon juuuuuuuuuust after I get to do what I wanted to do in the first place, making my repentance look completely weak. I make things all about me, and then get angry with others when they do the same thing. In general, if you didn't already know me, you wouldn't know how hard I'm working on learning to be a Godly man, because more often than not, the old nature sneaks out. However, I truly am. Not that I'm into astrology, but it's in my Gemini nature. I can truly want to change and truly want to stay the same all at once. It is truly frustrating to those who love me, because they want to be angry with me when I screw up, but they know I beat myself up badly enough as it is. And sometimes I play off of that to get away with murder. (not literally, don't turn me in)
That being said, I feel that my journey through life has been appointed by God in such a way that I was allowed to go through my rough patches (and continue to be) in order to help others who may be in similar situations. Quite frankly, I'm tired of beating myself down for being a sinful jerk. I'd rather use the fact that I can occasionally be a sinful jerk, but when I come out of it I truly understand my place is with God, in order to help others to see the Light at the end of the tunnel, that being your favorite savior and mine, Jesus Christ. Believe you me, I know I don't deserve to be saved by him. But neither does anyone else. He saves us of his own good will, not because we deserve it, but because he loves us and understands what it's like to live through temptation. He had to do it Himself.
I have had a fairly crappy day. I argued with the love of my life all day, and some of the things I felt I had to say (which, unfortunately, I repeated ad nauseum as usual) hurt her and made her feel like I didn't trust or support her. I do trust and support her, implicitly -- I just feel that sometimes when we're in situations in which we are emotionally invested, sometimes we don't really see the whole picture -- of course, I came off like a pompous jerk, which is also in my M.O. -- and I felt that I wasn't being heard in the whole matter.
There is a point here. I've been all balled up around the idea that the Bible says that the man is to be the head of the family, and that women should submit to the man's authority. Nowadays, that idea goes over like an iron blimp. It's troubling to think of things that way for me, because A) my brain is pretty addled after my military time, and I don't always think straight, and B) I'm just as lost as to what I should be doing with my life as my fiance' is, so what right do I have to be head of anything? But I try and do my best as a semi-new Christian to lead where I can... unfortunately, because of my reluctance, when I actually DO try to be the leader, I pretty much sound like an idiot -- that, and my limited social skills -- and I feel like I'm being ridiculed, mostly coming from the other voice in the back of my head. Or, if we stick with the original picture, the little devil on my shoulder starts telling me that I'm stupid, and that I should just keep my trap shut.
On the occasions that I really feel strongly about something, I wind up lecturing for hours and losing sight of the reason I was talking in the first place. Sometimes I really want to get a point across, but my talking isn't as much to rectify a situation as it is to get a point across. That serves no purpose but to put myself on a high horse. Exalting oneself is wrong. There, that's the point I was going for. See how I've just rambled? That's what my fiance' sits through, just about once a week, for me to puff myself up as if my ideas were original and enlightened.
Man, if I were just present enough in the moment to look for REAL wisdom in the Bible instead of trying to come up with something intelligible when I'm an emotional wreck! Wisdom doesn't come from me when I'm being self-serving in trying to look like the wise leader. When I let God lead, and step back and let Him put his perfect plan into place, I have nothing to do but sit and smile.
Lord, help me to remember to let You lead when I find myself trying to take charge. Please, save me from the embarrassment of thinking that I know what I'm talking about, and help lead me to Your truth in all things. Thank you for the words tonight, and help me to be closer to You tomorrow and for all my days to come. Come, Lord Jesus. Amen.
0 comments:
Post a Comment